Dr. Elaine Spaulding

Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson developed a unique approach to couples treatment, based on the works of Mahler (1994) and Bowlby (1990). Bader and Pearson use Bowlby's attachment patterns together with Mahler's developmental schema of separation/ individuation. The developmental schema includes the period of attachment leading to symbiosis, differentiation, practicing, and rapprochement, “on the road” to libidinal object constancy. How individuals previously progressed through the stages forms the basis of how they view a romantic partner.

Assumptions of Couples Therapy
Unlike in many forms of couples therapy, which assume high levels of ego development, tend to ignore attachment patterns, and emphasize the resolution of unconscious conflicts. In Quest of the Mythical Mate (1988) presents couple development as an evolutionary process based on normal individual development. People select partners who have a “good fit" with their own developmental level. Problems occur when couples get “stuck” in a developmental phase or when one partner develops more than the other does.

Anatomy of Difficult Couples
Some of the most difficult couples to treat are those who fight and bicker, frequently escalating verbal attacks while ignoring a therapist’s attempts to intervene to contain the conflict. Frequently, we, as therapists, describe these couples in somewhat negative terms, such as “hostile-dependents” or “help-rejecting complainers.”

We are tempted to refer them to our “worst professional enemy”—anything to get them out of our office to avoid the dread we feel when we see them on the schedule again! Even if we can get their attention, getting them to express their feelings often creates an emotional disaster of “unloading” on each other.

Developmental Attachments
The first developmental achievement is to bond as a couple (i.e., to attach and create a couple symbiosis). This “falling in love” stage is wonderful and satisfying, what people describe as finding their “soul mate.” Each partner is highly tuned to the other and seems capable of endless giving. The focus is on similarities, rather than differences, with the partner seeming to represent perfection. This “state of bliss” allows the couple to form couple boundaries that separate them from friends and family.

Faulty Attachments
Hostile couples, however, are stuck in this state of symbiosis for a number of reasons related to their earlier experiences of attachment and symbiosis. These couples often (a) have avoidant attachment patterns with one or both parents and/or (b) did not experience parents as calming and soothing, and (c) then look to the partner for soothing. The problem is that neither partner has the capacity for this, for himself or herself or for the other.

Relationship Formation
These couples tend to begin relationships quickly and intensely, often even within a few hours. Very quickly they also start fighting. Each clings to the desperate hope of making up for unmet childhood needs and has little capacity to leave. Each partner expects fusion and responds negatively to differences.

They are caught in a cycle of fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment, which leads to attempts to differentiate, which leads to fear of abandonment, and so on. They are stuck in a fragile and unstable “we” that mortgages further development within the couple relationship and as individuals.

Treatment Focus
In treatment, if you focus on the couple process, these couples say “that's not the problem."  If you focus on the content, they simply generate even more content. Over time, the couple does not deal with disillusionment or criticism. The partners do not change, and each
partner gets increasingly angry, impulsive, and competitive, and personalizes everything.

A couples’ therapist needs to be active in the beginning to create a developmental context for the couple work. The task is to maintain the connection, while encouraging the two partners to differentiation. The therapist needs to understand that these couples are not reenacting transference phenomenon or unconscious conflicts from the Oedipal stage of development. This understanding goes far beyond the abilities of the couple.

Service Issues
For this reason, hostile couples are usually underserved or poorly served in most treatment settings. Instead of improving couple communication and developing more effective fighting skills, the task of developmental couples work is to build a self that is capable of differentiating from symbiosis to a higher level of development, within the self and within the couple.

While the theory may seem complicated, Bader and Pearson (2001) provide everyday language explained in experiential terms that the couple can understand to help each partner set goals. The phrase “I can’t live with you, and I can't live without you” has a developmental meaning for each partner.

In closing, while social change is usually thought of in a wider context, I cannot help but think how important it is for each of us to feel understood in developmental terms. Until and unless this happens, I think it is difficult to give much back to the world.

Note: Drs. Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson are founders of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. They are the authors of two books that describe a unique approach to couples work. Both In Quest for the Mythical Mate (1988) and their second book, Tell Me No Lies (2001), are critical resources to serve the needs of these very difficult couples. Their Web site is www.couplesinstitute.com.

References

Bader, E., & Pearson, P. T. (1988). In quest of the mythical mate: A developmental approach to diagnosis and treatment in couple therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel.

Bader, E., & Pearson, P. T. (2001). Tell me no lies: How to stop lying to your partner—and yourself—in the four stages of marriage. New York: St. Martin’s.

Bowlby, J. (1990). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. New York: Basic Books.

Karen, R. (1998). Becoming attached: First relationships and how they shape our capacity to love. Oxford: Oxford UP.

Mahler, M. S. (1994). Selected papers of Margaret S. Mahler. Lanham, MD: Jason Aronson.

Mahler, M. S., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. (2000). The psychological birth of the infant: Symbiosis and individuation. New York: Basic Books.